Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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