I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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