dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
