I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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