Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
