My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
