i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
