omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
