It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
