member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
sarcasm needs its own font
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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