apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
