Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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