I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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