How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
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His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
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After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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