i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
