Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
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My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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