people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
