After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
