Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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