I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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