I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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