Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
