Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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