life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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