i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
