Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
