Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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