I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
