Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
