i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
