It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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