i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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