just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
