im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Randomize
