Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
vagina is talking i cant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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