Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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