Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
