Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
