and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
