in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I need a beard to bite.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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