i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
