i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
