all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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