matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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