My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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