I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
