Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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