I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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