whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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