he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
