He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
