I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
