Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
