She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
