Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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